Photo by Adarsh Kummur on Unsplash

You may already know how much I love Comic-Cons and conventions. If you’ve never seen your favorite actors in person, answering your questions, talking ad lib, making jokes, and doing skits, you are missing a whole dimension of entertainment. For years, I attended a huge Star Trek convention in Las Vegas, plus many others. I even based one of my Crazy Cat Lady mysteries, Cosmic Cat, on an adventure that begins at a Comic-Con. My health hasn’t been good enough to travel to Vegas these past few years, but when I saw there was to be a local con with many of my favorite actors as guests, I jumped at the opportunity. When I made that choice, I was feeling fine. I couldn’t have foreseen that by the time the date rolled around, I would be deep into an episode of anxiety.

I have what’s called General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I’ve had it all my life since I was a child. It comes out of nowhere, and blam, I’m deported into a different world, one of monsters and fear, of rapid heartbeats, of exhaustion, and one that makes every other thing on Earth seem not worthwhile. I have medication for it, which works for the most part, but sometimes that sneaky snake of anxiety outwits the meds and curls up in my head and heart. That’s what happened right before the Comic-Con.

For a while, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to go. Nothing is fun when I’m shrouded in anxiety. Still, I would feel bad even if I stayed home. So I went. I enjoyed it, but it was a challenge. This is what I wrote:

Sitting in the audience waiting for the next guest. Life is going on around me-people in costume, laughing and talking about the con. I’m here but not. I wish I were home.

When I first got to the con, I felt normal, like my old self. I walked a long way just to get in the front door, then more to check out the scene. At the guest panel, three stars from Star Trek: The Next Generation, I found myself laughing out loud… Lots! During that hour, as well as the next, a talk with Katee Sackoff who, BTW, is from my hometown Portland I was fine. It was great! I couldn’t remember why I’d felt so badly.

After the presentations, I started cruising the vendors’ area to look at all the cool stuff. That’s when I noticed I was getting tired. Then really tired. I drank some water, then went  back to the auditorium and sat down. I ate a granola bar. It didn’t help.

The feelings continued, getting worse. Hard to breathe, headache, bone-crushing exhaustion. I wanted nothing more than to lie on my couch at home, and I had a hard time convincing myself to stay. I wanted to run but was too tired to run. Probably if I’d had my car, I would have left, but my husband was picking me up after the next panel.

The feelings scared me. I tried all the things I’ve learned- even breathing, focusing on one thing in the room, counting. I made it to showtime-one minute at a time.

This was the panel I’d been waiting for, two actors from Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, whom I’d never seen before. I felt better once it started. Was my medication kicking in, or it the program diverting my self-destructive thoughts?

I enjoyed the rest of the panel, then went home and fell into a dead sleep on the couch. The anxiety was back the next day, but I easier to manage because I was at home. Sometimes I just stop and wonder why it happens. If you know, please tell me.